Grief Letter 1

8.31.18

Mom,

There are two things that I think about most often since you left:

The day you died, we drove down from Marietta because dad and Shaun told us you didn't have long. You finally let go thirty minutes after we got home. Part of me was happy that you got to see us one last time. But in the days after, several people remarked that you held on just to see me. I think they thought that would bring comfort, but it instead made me feel really sad. Especially the thought of you enduring whatever pain or limbo that cancer had left you in until we got there. I think about it all the time and it puts pressure on me, like I have a balloon in my body that inflates and makes me uncomfortable from the inside.

I also really regret that you never got to see your granddaughter. After growing up with all boys, having two sons, and two grandsons, you would have loved having a little girl to spoil. The kicker is that, for the first few years, she looked just like you. So even though you were gone, it was like your presence was still here. I would send pictures to dad and Shaun, and I'm not sure if it helped, or served as a reminder that you were gone. 

I miss being able to talk to you. I think about our weekly calls and how I sometimes dodged them. Or dreaded them. And how I'll never be able to have them again. I wish you were able to see your grand-kids and how well Pops did on his own - we all had our doubts - and the man and father that Shaun turned out to be.

I wish that I could have been more hands on at the end. Shaun and dad did all of the heavy lifting on their own and, even though I appreciate that, I still carry a lot of guilt about it. I was caught up preparing for Cooper's arrival and I never realized how things were progressing until it was over.

Most of all, I miss you. I wish I had time to collect all of your stories and put them down to share with my kids, or just to keep my memories from fading. I don't want to forget, but it seems harder and harder to keep it all there. You were always so proud of me and I think you would be even prouder of the person I am and the family we've raised. 

Love,

Matt